Dear Greg,
I can't figure out why it's so hard for me to be happy. I miss my job; I miss feeling like I have something to offer. I know all this work is for the purpose of getting me to a place where I can do better work, but that is so hard to remember. I've consistently been unhappy at …. . I've gone to counseling, a spiritual director, I run, I employ all my anti-depression strategies (including medication), I live in an intentional community- but I'm unhappy there and can't figure out why. I believe part of it is feeling like my major issues- is God good? What does it mean to live as a Christian in a messy world? etc- aren't any closer to being resolved than before. Not that I necessarily assumed they'd be resolved- I just want to be able to live better- to live without so much doubt. What frightens me is that I spent so much time really pouring over these questions and I came to some good conclusions and yet I keep slipping back into the questions. I don't think that means that the conclusions I came to weren't good or valid, rather, I seem to have a faulty memory. I need to work on remembering what I've learned. Will you pray for me about that? I really do believe that God is present and good, but I don't live that way. I still drink too much and sleep with the wrong people. It's more practice that I need to work on- how to live well, how to be healthy, even when I see and interact with sad or frightening things everyday.
Dear Friend,
I'll start out my response to what you’ve written in this way: where would you be happy? What is happiness? In whatever we do, won't we miss not being able to be doing something else? Granted, not everyone cares, but some of us are harder to satisfy than others. I would think that you'll always have something to offer because you're you and that is true wherever you are.
Life and the Christian life don't seem to be about resolution, but tension. The two questions you mention about God’s goodness and living as a Christian in a messy world are somewhat unresolved for me too. Doubt is present in my life, but it doesn't reign in my life or rule it. Slipping back into the questions will always be with us - it's inevitable if I’m going to be honest - but I never start at zero, because I live on the basis of answers that are adequate. Every time I fall into severe doubt I find there are authentic intellectual and spiritual responses that point me back to the Living God and his goodness. Doubt and its power can diminish in a messy world. Ah, yes, memory and remembering. I'll pray.
Living "as if" is part of living as we seek to follow in the footsteps of the crucified and risen One. If you're not living as if God is present then you're shooting yourself in the foot and we do that sometimes, but the redemptive power of Christ sweeps us up into deep consolation and memory becomes actuality - we can start again and learn to live better and be well in the shadow of the cross.
